


Everything I wanted

by LoenaAdams



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fear, M/M, Panic Attacks, Rape, Sobbe - Freeform, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:07:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoenaAdams/pseuds/LoenaAdams
Summary: An alternative universe where Sander is truly gone on Saturday 09:41
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 4
Kudos: 87





	Everything I wanted

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the dark one shot I talked about. 
> 
> Please don't read this if you are easily triggered!  
> This story includes rape and violence.

Robbe felt like a fool. 

There was no other way to explain it. 

He was just a fucking naive fool. 

He couldn't believe it. 

Maybe he deserved everything for being so damn stupid. 

Milan had even warned him, but Robbe hadn't listened. 

He tried to ignore the pain in his chest. He would not cry over this. 

The brown-haired boy had woken up in an empty bed. The was no sign of another boy. No leather jacket, black jeans or pair of stupid shoes laying on the ground. No evidence that a particular boy had spent the night.

Robbe tried to keep calm and think rational. Perhaps the boy had to go home or something. 

He checked his phone. No messages. 

Maybe he was hungry had gone to eat something. 

Robbe rushes to put on a shirt. He hears voices in the kitchen. His heart starts to beats faster.

But again no sign of the artist. 

Senne and Milan are trying to calm him down and, the younger boy feels a little at ease. There is certainly a logical explanation. He just has to wait. 

So he waits. He waits for it the whole fucking day but no messages. 

The next morning Robbe can't control himself. He tries to call the other boy only to find out he has been blocked. 

A first there was a feeling of disbelieve. It must be a misunderstanding. 

Until Britt uploads a photo on Instagram. A photo of a certain boy who is kissing her. 

Robbe wants to throw up.

He feels so ashamed and used. 

All Sander had the do was saying some stupid words. 

That was all it had taken to get the younger boy in bed. 

Why was he so easy?

He knew the answer to that question. 

Robbe was desperate and in love. A dangerous combination. He had truly believed the other boy when he told him that he chose for him. 

He wanted it to be true so badly that it had hurt. 

Maybe it would have been easier if Sander had behaved differently. 

The artist had been so gently, so patient, so kind. 

He was a fantastic actor. 

Robbe had believed every word and touch. 

They went all the way because that was how the older boy worked.

And it had felt so good. 

The feeling of Sander inside him, holding his hand, whispering sweet things in his ear, making him feel loved. 

Robbe still hadn't processed that it everything had been a lie. 

It had been an entire week and he still wasn't over it. 

He hadn't gone to school for a few days. The feeling of shame was too much to handle. On top of that, there was hate and heartbreak. 

Hate towards himself for being so foolish, hate towards Sander for using him this way, hate towards the universe for not letting him be happy for once.

It lasted three weeks. 

Then the brown-haired boy became numb which was worse in some ways.

He didn't care anymore, he didn't feel anything anymore. 

He was trying to live with it. Robbe had unfollowed the older boy and his girlfriend on every platform. He needed to move on. 

But Sander was everywhere.

The fucking mural to begin with. Every time he went skating he was reminded of the betrayal from the artist. 

He was at his school when Britt was talking about him.

Spotify kept recommending him David Bowie songs. 

Milan had made croques for him.

Jens asked if he wanted to go swimming with the boys for a new vlog. 

He even was there on a night out when the only drink there was gin and tonic. 

The bruises on his stomach were also a reminder for his stupidity. 

Robbe had really believed the older boy when he told him they could conquer everything as long as it was the two of them. 

He had believed him the first time and even the second time. 

His own mistake.

He should have picked up on the signs that Sander was living a double life. 

But the smaller boy didn't want to see it. He had dug his own grave. 

It was almost February when Robbe was completely done with his feelings.  He had already moved back in with his mum. 

It almost started to feel like a dream. Did he and Sander really happen or had he imagined everything? 

It was time to move on

So he reinstalled the app Grindr. 

At first to try to find somebody new. A person who was willing to date him, maybe even love him.

Turns out you don't find that on Grindr. You only find guys that want a quickie or nudes. 

But Robbe kept trying. 

It wasn't until an explicit dream, the brown-haired boy had given up. A dream where Sander was fucking him. Slowly and gently but at the same time so fucking hard. 

Robbe had woken up with a wet pair of underwear. 

The shame came back. 

Why couldn't he move on? 

He had googled it. 

It was because Sander had taken his virginity apparently. The older boy would always have a certain connection to him. 

Robbe couldn't live with that so he decided to take measures into his own hands. 

He would go on a Grindr date. 

The boy convinced himself that If he had sex somebody else he would finally be able to let the artist go. 

It was more difficult than expected. 

The brown-haired boy had written down some demands. The boy with who he was going to hook up with had to have a place. There was no way he would invite a strange over to his house where he lived with his mama. 

The boy also had to be a top and preferably experienced. 

Being kind and gentle was a bonus.

When Robbe had finally found someone he backed out. He had been standing in front of a shabby looking apartment and his heart was beating too fast.

He couldn't do it. 

He was mad at himself so he tried again two weeks later. This time he had agreed to meet a boy at a gay club. 

Maybe that would be easier. He would get to see the guy in person first. 

He took a long shower before he went, trying to gather the courage. He had told his mother that he would be sleeping at Jens his house. 

He had the entire night. 

Robbe was late, a tall male was already waiting for him in front of the club.

It was an attractive man. Perhaps too old for Robbe but he didn't care. At least he didn't get catfished. 

The man licked his lips when the small boy walked his way. 

'I almost can't believe this.' The man whispers in his ear. 

'It is my lucky day.' A soft kiss was pressed against his cheek. 

The tall men smelled good, a bit intense but good. 

'What is your name, baby boy?' 

Robbe shivered when he heard the pet name. He was not sure if he liked it. 'Robbe and you?' His voice was shaking. 

The man started to stroke his cheek. 'Don't be nervous, we are just going to have some fun tonight. I am Julian.'

The man took his hand. 'Kom?' 

Robbe felt like he had been slapped in his face. No, he was not going to do that tonight. He was going to enjoy himself tonight and not think about Sander. 

They faced a problem at the entrance of the club. It was eighteen plus. 

Julian had looked at him when the bouncer wouldn't let him pass. 'You are not eighteen yet?' 

The smaller boy shook his head.

The man smiled at him. 'Tell me how old you are.' 

'Sixteen.' 

'Amai, that is young.' 

'No, I meant seventeen, almost eighteen.' Robbe felt panic rushing through his veins. He had come so far, it couldn't stop now.

Julian smirked. 'I don't mind pretty boy. Do you mind?'

'Do I mind what?'

'Age difference?' 

Even tough Robbe didn't want to know the answer, he asked. 'How old are you then?' 

'I am twenty-nine years young.' 

Robbe wasn't sure if that was a relief or not.

'Okay.' 

Julian kissed his cheek again and gave the bouncer some cash. 'Let's go, gorgeous.'

The tall man guided him through the busy club. Robbe didn't know where to look. There was so much going on. All sorts of people were here. Same-sex couples were dancing intimate but no one stared at them. It was normal. 

The younger boy felt slightly more at ease. There was nobody here who would judge him. 

'You like it pumpkin?' 

Robbe nods, he still wasn't sure about the pet names. 

'Do you want anything to drink?'

The brown-haired boy was hesitating. Perhaps a beer would help against the nerves, but he also wanted to stay sober.

'Only one and I will walk with you.' 

He had looked up some tips for a Grindr date. He had come across a lot of warnings about spiked drinks and stuff. 

'You don't trust me?' 

Robbe didn't know what to say to that but the older man was laughing. 

'It is very sensible of you sweetheart. You never know who you come across.' 

'What do you want? Vodka or perhaps a cocktail?' 

'Just a beer, please.' 

Robbe was already getting some money out of his pocket but Jullian grabbed his hand to stop him. 'My treat.' 

'Thanks.' He gave the other man that came closer to him a small smile. 

'No problem gorgeous, now can you tell me if you have done this before?'

'Kind off?' 

'I will take that as a no.' 

Robbe opened his mouth to protest but he closes it again. 

This must be a fucking joke from the universe. 

What were the fucking chances from this boy to be here? At the same club at the same time.

A certain bleached blond boy was looking at him. Examining how Julian was whispering in his ear. 

Sander shook his head towards Robbe as if meant to say 'don't do it'. 

Suddenly the brown-haired boy was mad. He was so angry at the artist. 

Where did he get to guts from? He didn't have anything say over Robbe.

So the younger boy did something he would have never done when he would be thinking straight. 

He kissed Julian. 

He had to stand on his tiptoes and the man still had to lean down. 

It was a dirty open-mouthed kiss. 

'You are full of surprises aren't you? 

The taller man was stroking his face, tracing his upper lip. 

Robbe peaked over his shoulder. 

Sander was still looking at him, but a girl was sitting on his lap. 

What a fucking surprise. The girl wasn't even Britt. 

Now he thought about, Britt hadn't talked about Sander the last month. Perhaps the artist had finally the guts to break up with her. Or he cheated on her again and she dumped him. 

'What is on your mind, pretty boy? Did you like the kiss?' 

Julian grabbed his chin firmly so that Robbe had to stare into his eyes. 

'I can give you so more if you ask nicely for it?' 

He felt his cheeks burn up. 

'Don't be shy, I know you want it.' 

Robbe's brain didn't process the words. He only saw Sander making his way over to him. He started to panic again. The last thing he needed was talking to the artist. 

'I want to dance.' 

'Let's dance then, baby boy.' 

Julian guided him towards the dance floor and places his hands on the smaller boy's waist. 

He kissed Robbe with full force. 

The brown-haired boy was too nervous to kiss properly back. He needed to know if Sander was still watching him so he turned around. 

He was. 

The green eyes were staring into his soul. 

Good. 

Robbe started to grind against the taller man who kissed his neck. 

Two big hands started to guide his hips pressing them firmly against the crotch of the other man. 

They kept going for a while. Sander wasn't looking at him anymore, he was busy with his phone. 

The brown-haired boy was enjoying himself. Julian knew what he was doing. Robbe turned around again so that he could kiss the man again. 

The taller man grabbed his hand and guides him down towards his private parts. He was hard. 

Robbe swallowed. This was the moment he had been waiting for. 

'You did that baby boy, all by yourself.' 

He just stared into the blue eyes from Julian. He wasn't sure what to do. 

'Let's go.' 

Robbe expected to go outside but Julian let them towards the busy restrooms. He opened an almost invisible door that let to another restroom. 

Nobody was there. Julian gave him a wink and pushed him into a stall against the wall. 

The older man started to kiss him again. 

It was too rough. He pushed his tongue too far down Robbe's throat and he nipped painfully on the lips of the brown-haired boy. 

He had pinned the smaller boy's hands above him. 

It felt wrong. Robbe was not enjoying himself. The room felt too small and it went all way too quick. 

_ If something doesn't feel right just speak your mind and tell them to stop _ he remembers from his tips. 

'Julian stop, I don't like it.' It sounds like a whisper but the other man stops to look him into his eyes. 

'You are kidding me right?'

Robbe shook his head. 'I am sorry.' 

'You asked for this yourself.'

'I-' 

He doesn't know what to say. 

Julian let go of his hands. 

Robbe lets out a relieved sigh. 

He tries to move past the taller man but he stops him. 

'You can't leave me like this that is not how this work.' 

Robbe feels his cheeks heat up. 'I don't want it.' 

A door opens. 

'Jesus finally some fresh air.' He hears a muffled woman's voice. 

Another person responds something but Robbe can't hear it. 

'I am sorry, but I am going now.' 

He tries again to move past Julian but he slams him against the door. 

'You are not going anywhere.' 

Robbe starts to panic. This is going is wrong the way.

'Please?' 

Julian turns him around and presses his face against the door. 

'I will be quick.'

He pushes Robbe pants down. 

'No stop, I don't want this.' 

He tries to get free but the other man is too heavy. He is stuck. 

The younger boy tries to look over his shoulder when he hears plastic whiskers and a zipper but a big hand pushes his head back on the door with a loud bang. 

He sees stars for a second. 

He hears the conversation of the people outside the stall stop for a second. 

_ Please come and get me, anybody, please. I don't care who. _

Suddenly he feels something warms at his entrance. He tries to get out again. 'Stop.' 

'Shh, don't worry baby, I am wearing a condom it is all going to be fine.' 

At the same time, he pushes in. 

It feels like he is getting ripped apart. A loud scream of pain escapes his lips but the pain only gets worse. 

Robbe lets out a scream again. 'Stop Julian it fucking hurts.'

A knock on the door. 'Everything going alright over here?' 

A big hand covers his mouth. 

'Just a Rookie. Mind your own business.'

Robbe's eyes are watering. He has never anything like this before. It needs to stop right now. 

He bites Julian's hand. 

'Ouch, you son of a bitch.' 

His head gets banged against the wall once more. 

'You sure everything is going okay?' 

Julian pulls out and Robbe feels like he can breathe again but the sharp stinging pain doesn't disappear. 

'You are lucky that we have some company' hisses the older man. 

The brown-haired boy lets out a sob when he is being hit in his face and pushed on the floor. 'Stop you got to-' 

A big hand closes around his neck and lift him up again. 

'Robbe, is that you?' 

As if the situation couldn't get any worse. 

Tears are streaming down his face. He feels helpless while he is being choked. 

The door handle moves. 

'We are almost done' groans Julian, while he strokes himself. 

Robbe starts to kick his feet. He needs air right now. 

'Open up dude.' 

An unknown voice. 

Julian let's out a moan and he stops stroking himself. He slaps Robbe one more time before he unlocks the door and pushes him out. 

The younger boy stumbles over his own feet and hit his head against the wall gasping for air. 

He can't see clearly through his tears. 

Two soft small hands are holding him. 

'It is okay, try to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. '

She has a friendly voice. 

'That is it.' 

Robbe wipes away his tears and recognises the girl that was sitting on Sander's lap earlier. 

Sander.

Robbe looks up and he sees two more people standing. 

A tall and muscular boy and the boy he has tried to get off his mind the past few months. 

'Robbe, what were you thinking'

Sander is speaking towards him. 'You could see that guy was no good ten kilometres away!'

'Sander, not now.' The other boy gives him a warning look. 

The artist pinches his nose and starts to walk towards Robbe. 

'Get the fuck away from me.' 

'I only want to help.' 

'I don't need your help.'

Robbe tries to get up on his shaking legs. 

'Robbe, something just happened. Let me help you. '

'Fuck off. I don't want your fucking help. You are way worse than that guy.' 

'What?' Sander's face falls completely and he starts to stutter. 'I- I have- I would never do that.' 

'No, you just pretend that you fucking care about me to get me in bed. At least that dude didn't beat around the bush.'

'I care about you.' 

Robbe can't take it anymore. The light in the room is too bright, there was too much noise and everything was blurry. 

His entire body was hurting. His head was pounding, his throat felt like it was set on fire, stinging pain in his rear. He was panting and sweating.

He couldn't handle Sander's bullshit on top of it. 

The younger boy staggered back, looking for the exit. 

He needed to get out of here before Julian came out of the stall. He needed to go home now then he would have the time to think and process. 

Panic was blinding him. He couldn't find the exit. The room was spinning around. 

Suddenly he feels the urge to throw up. His stomach contracted so violently that he almost couldn't keep it in. He gagged when he felt the burning substance slide down his oesophagus.

A wave of pain rippled through his body due to the abrupt movements. 

'Let me at least take you home.' 

Sander was standing next to him.

Robbe shook his head before he pushed the taller boy away. 

'I don't want you anywhere near me.'

'Robbe, you can't go home by yourself like this.' 

The younger boy ignored him, he had finally found the exit.

It was difficult to walk. He was dizzy and his legs were heavy. 

On top of that, it felt he was burning everything time he moved. 

'Robbe,-

The artist gets interrupted by the girl.

'Nico and I will bring him home.' 

Sander looks like he is going to protest but the taller boy stops him. 

'We will text you.' 

Robbe shakes his head. He doesn't need babysitters, he is fine on his own. All he needs is some fresh air. 

'How did you get here?' 

The girl is talking to me like he is a child. A friendly smile on her chubby face. She reminds him of his favourite primary school teacher. 

'None of your business' murmurs Robbe while he pushes down the door handle. 

The smile doesn't disappear. 

'You can trust us, Robbe. It is Robbe right?' 

She places a hand on his shoulder. Her touch burns and Robbe wants to crawl out of his skin. 

He shakes her hand off his shoulder

'Sorry' the girl holds her hand up in defence. 

'How did you get here, buddy?'

The taller boy with tattoos in his neck stares at him. He has kind and warm eyes. 

Suddenly Robbe gets hit by a wave of tiredness. He wants to sleep right now. Maybe it is all just a bad dream. 

'Bike.' 

'I will take his bike. You two can get a taxi with him. Do you have the key's, Robbe?' 

The younger boy decides to give in. He doesn't want to fight anymore. 

He gets his keys out of his pocket and throws them towards Sander. 

He ignores the voice in his head who are protesting. He doesn't want to deal with it, not anymore. He feels so empty inside. 

'Why don't you sit down for a second and drink some water?'

The girl reaches out to him but pulls her hands back last minute. 

Robbe's throat still feels like it on fire, so he nods. 

He slides to the ground and let his head fall back against the wall. 

The girl hands him a bottle of water. 

He tries to take it from her but he is shaking too much. 

He drops his head between his knees and tugs his hair. 

_ What hell has just happened?  _

Goosebumps appear over his entire body. His legs and arms start to tremble and it is getting hard to breathe. 

It feels like someone is blocking his airways again. 

'Take it easy, breath in through your nose and out through your mouth.'

Robbe can't register the voice anymore.

The panic begins like a cluster of spark plugs in his abdomen. Tension grew in his face and limbs, his mind replaying the attack. His breathing became more rapid, more shallow. His heart starts to hammer in his chest. He tries to fight the blackness around him but he fails. 

It consumes him and there is no way out. 

He falls down in a spiral of fear and darkness

Sander has never been more nervous in his life. 

The feeling of deja vu is not helping. 

He standing in front of Robbe's house. The bike of the younger boy in his hand. 

A part of him wants to run away. Just drop the bike here and never look back but he can't. 

No more running away for him. 

He wasn't leaving until he had talked to the love of his life. He owned it to the smaller boy and to himself. 

The artist was done denying himself happiness. It took him a long time to recover from his fears but he was managing. 

Being hospitalized in the institution had helped him a lot.

People understood him there. He could talk without getting judged. 

Sander started to understand himself better. He had grown a lot the past few months. 

It was time to take another step forward. 

Robbe hadn't left his mind since November. 

The desire to talk the brown-haired boy was getting stronger every day but Sander had chickened out every time. 

He knew the talk was going to be difficult. The plan was to drop his mask and tell the younger boy everything. 

If he had only done it sooner. Perhaps he could have prevented the incident of last night. 

Sander didn't understand what Robbe was thinking until his talk with Rosa. 

Rosa came to his house when she had dropped Robbe home. 

She wanted an explanation. 

So the artist had told her everything. He had known the girl since they were four but he had never seen her mad until last night. 

She confronted with the truth that Sander didn't want to face. 

He knew he had hurt the Robbe. He was well aware of the fact that he was an asshole. 

He had cried a lot last night. Sander felt guilty for what happened. He should have intervened when he saw that creep whispering in the younger boy's ear. 

He could have prevented it. 

It made him sick. 

Rosa and he had talked the whole night about everything. She had advised him to check up on the boy today and talk to him. 

She also made it very clear that he didn't need to expect to be forgiven. 

Sander didn't expect anything from the brown-haired boy. He just hoped that he could tell his side of the story. 

He tried to ignore his feelings of hope. It would only come back to bite him in the ass. 

Robbe lived with his mother again. 

The artist was happy to hear that. He knew that the younger boy deeply cared about his mother. 

It had only made things more difficult for Sander. 

He didn't want to burden to boy anymore. 

It was a small house across town. 

Sander took a deep breath before he pressed the doorbell. 

A small lady was standing in the doorway. She looked exactly like Sander was expecting. 

Soft and kind just like her son. 

'Euh, I have Robbe's bike. Is he home so I can give it to him?'

The woman gives him a confused smile. 

'I borrowed it last night.'

Technically it wasn't a lie. 

'Oh, you were also staying over at Jens?' 

Robbe hadn't told his mother anything. It made him uncomfortable. 

'Yeah, but I had to go early so he lent me his bike.' 

'He is upstairs still in his bed. Probably have been awake the whole night playing video games.' 

The woman rolls her eyes but speaks in a loving tone. 

_ If she only knew.  _

'Are you a friend of Robbe? What was your name again?'

'Sorry, I haven't introduced myself. I am Sander.' 

He holds his hand out.

'Nina, mother of Robbe but you probably figured that out. Come in, sweetie. Do you want something to drink?' 

'Euhh-' 

Nina looks at him expectantly and he doesn't know how to say no. 

'Some coffee perhaps?' 

The woman gives him another kind smile. 'Of course, do you want milk or sugar?'

'No, just black please.'

Sander follows her to the kitchen. 

'I am happy to see one of Robbe's friend again. They used to be here always but yeah, some things changed. Are you going to school with him?' 

'No, I am older. I am in my first year of university.' 

Nina messes around a bit with the coffee machine. 'Oh, how did you two meet?'

‘Mutual friends.’

She sighs when the coffee machine starts to beep. 'I never understood that thing. I don't drink coffee myself but my husband-'

The woman stops talking. 

'I will just ask Robbe if he will do it for you.' 

'No, no that is not necessary. I will just go upstairs to see him.'

'He might still be asleep. I was going to wake him up but how is he otherwise going to sleep tonight. He has school tomorrow!' 

The woman sounds worried. 

Sander gives her a cramped smile.

'I will just go upstairs then. Which room?'

'The first one on the right. The one with a poster on it.'

'Thank you.' 

Nina gives him a smile. 'You are welcome, sweetie. Stay for dinner if you want. It is nice to have some of Robbe's friend over the floor again.' 

'Euh, I am not sure if I stay that long but thanks for the invite.' 

The woman nods 'Do you want a cookie perhaps? You can also take one for Robbe. I am not sure if he has eaten anything at all today.' 

Sander doesn't know how to say no so he climbs the stairs with too small plates in his hands. 

It is some kind of gaming poster. 

The artist's heart beats fast when he knocks on the wood.

There comes no response so he slowly pushes the door open. 

Robbe is laying in his bed. Blankets pulled so far over him that only his face above his nose is visible. He looks very small and young. 

'I am not feeling well, mum. I just want to sleep, don't worry.'

Sander clears his throat. 

The younger boy turns his head and his eyes expand a little when he sees the artist. The usually warm and comforting eyes look cold and empty. 

'Oh, it is you.' His voice sounds hoarse and is so soft it is almost impossible to hear.

The boy turns around so that he is laying on side, facing away from Sander. 

The older boy puts the plates on the bedside table and stands awkwardly in the room.

It is still a young boys room. Posters of gaming figures, a disco lamp, lego in the corner, some home-crafted aeroplanes hanging on the ceiling. 

Yet it is incredibly neat for a teenage boy. No clothes on the floor, shoes put away against the wall, school books ordered on a shelf, his backpack hanging on a hook. 

It feels strange to stand here. He doesn't know this side of Robb yet. 

'Euhh, we reported the guy to the bouncers. They have written down his name and stuff. You can report it if you want.’

'Why would I do that?'

His voice sounds so dead. 

Sander can feel his chest tighten a little. 

'It is only going to cause more bullshit.' 

The artist feels like he has been slapped in the face. 

'It is no bullshit what happened, Robbe.' 

The younger boy snorts. 

'I mean it, Robbe, you need to report this.' 

'What am I going to say? It was my own fault.' 

Sander's heart sinks to his stomach. 

'You can't say that. What happened was not your fault.'

'I provoked it.'

'Robbe, that is bullshit. You told him to stop and he didn't listen that is rape.' 

The younger boy shrinks and pulls the blankets over his head. 

'Fuck off.' 

'Please Robbe, let me help you.' 

'I don't need your fucking help. I can deal with this myself.' 

Sander can feel the knot in his stomach. 'You don't have to deal with this yourself.' 

'I want to.'

The artist feels that he gets desperate. This is going the wrong way. He tries to recall the tips that he looked up online. 

_ Suggest to the victim to talk about it with a trusted adult.  _

'Let at least other people help you. Your mother for example.' 

The younger boy snorts again. 'Tell her I was out in the club with an older man I met on the internet? Sure that is a good idea. I will send here right back into the institution.'

'Your dad then?' 

'As if he cares.' 

Sander feels like he is getting slapped again. 'Someone you trust. What about Jens?' 

'I would rather die than explaining to anyone what has happened.'

'You need to talk to someone.' 

'Oh, and you are in an expert now? Fuck off, Sander. I don't want to talk to you. I will deal with it, it is going to be fine.' 

'You can't expect from me to let this go.' 

'Why not? It is not like you give a shit about me.' 

Tears well up in the green eyes of the artist. Why can't Robbe see how much he cares? 

'I give a shit about you and you know that.' 

The boy laughs sarcastically. 'Oh yeah, sorry I didn't realise you cared so much about your toys, my bad.'

Sander knows he deserves this but that doesn't make it easier.

'You are not a toy to me. I meant every single word I ever said to you.' 

'Well, you don't practise what you preach then.' 

'I am sorry.' 

The word rolls easily of his tongue. He should have said it months ago. 

'So you have feelings? Good for you, can you leave now?'

'I want to explain myself.'

'I want you to leave.'

Sander takes a deep breath. 'I will leave after I have explained myself.' 

The younger boy just pulls his blankets up even higher. 

'I am bipolar.' 

Robbe shifts slightly underneath the blankets. 

'I meant everything that I told you. I love you. After that night I came to see you, I was slipping. Slipping away from reality. I could feel that an episode was coming. I panicked. because it would be unfair to drag you with me without telling you first.' 

'So it is not unfair to leave while you promised me that it was going to be us two?'

Sander bites his lip. 'I was scared of your reaction. Britt started to treat me completely differently when I told her. I didn't want that to happen with you so I just run away.' 

Robbe stays silent. 

'I have been hospitalized for a few weeks. It helped me a lot to break out of the spiral of fear.'

'Good for you.' 

'I broke up with Britt for good after I came home again. I wanted to come and visit you but I was scared. I thought it was too soon.' 

'Too soon for what?' 

Robbe's tone has slightly changed. 

'For you to forgive him. I wanted to give you some time.' 

'I fail to see the logic.'

'There isn't one.'

Sander starts to bite his fingernails. 'Robbe, I want you to know that I never intended to hurt you. I loved you and I still do. I understand if you need some more time or that you are going to hate me forever but I hope you want to give me a second chance.' 

'Second chance? It would more be like the fifth one.'

'A second chance with no secrets between us.' 

Robbe's shoulders start to shock. 

'I fucking hate you so much.' 

Sander swallows with difficulty. What else did he expect?'

'Why can't I fucking get over you? It has been months and you have been a total asshole and yet when you ask me a second chance I want to give you it more than anything.'

'That is because we are meant for each other.' 

Sander wants to comfort the crying boy in front of him but he is not sure if he is allowed. 

_ Show him that you care and you can be there for him! _

The artist takes off his shoes and lays down next to Robbe who rolls back to lay on his back. 

The soft whimpers make Sander cry too. 

He is the fucking cause of that tears. 

Emotions he had bottled up for months realises. 

They lay there for a while, not touching each other, softly sobbing

Robbe pulls his hand underneath the blanket and lays it not far off Sander's hand. It is almost an invitation. 

The artist moves his hand slightly so that their pinkies are touching. He holds his breath. 

The younger boy intertwines their finger together. Sander brushes with his thumb over the hand of the boy next to him. 

'Do you think we are together in other universes?'

Robbe's voice is still hoarse and shaky. 

'I think we are together in some of them. Universes where other Sander didn't screw up so badly.' 

'What are we doing there?' 

A smile appears on the face of the artist. 

'I think that there is a Robbe and Sander that are playing video games together right now. Robbe is probably making fun of Sander for his nonexisting skills. Or we are cooking together. Sander is making croques.

Perhaps there is a universe where we only just met and we both fell in love today.' 

'Do you think they are happy?' 

Sander squeezes the other boy's hand. 'I am sure of it. At least Sander is and I hope that Robbe it too with my entire heart.' 

Robbe sighs. 'You drive me crazy, you know that?' 

The artist doesn't really know how to reply to that. 

'How can I trust you?' 

'I will have to work for it and I will do it. I will do whatever you want. I will take you on the best date ever, drive you everywhere, take care of you, cook for you. I will paint another mural or something bigger what about-' 

'Or you could just hold me right now and tell me that everything is going to be okay?' 

Sander is flabbergasted. 

'Or I could that.'

Robbe let out a small soft noise that gives the artist butterflies in his stomach. 

The younger boy crawls toward him and places his brown curls on the chest of the taller boy.

Sander wraps his arms tightly around him and buries his head into the brown curls. Placing a kiss on the head of the beautiful boy. 

'I promise you that everything is going to be okay. I will be here for you.' 

**Author's Note:**

> Why did I write this?  
> I was very conflicted if I should post this. I was scared that it was too much but then I realised that things like this happen every day.  
> As a young teenager, I read a lot of stories on Wattpad. Rape was always kind of romanticised. A boy would save a girl or something like that.  
> I know that a lot of people know this already but it is really not romantic.  
> There is so much shame around the topic of rape. I know this from own experience. There is always the feeling of humiliation when you talk about it. People will look different towards you. 
> 
> I just want people to be aware of how much this happens to boy and girls.  
> So many teenagers think that it won't happen to them and when it happens a lot of them feel like it is their own fault. 
> 
> Rape is never your own fault.  
> If you don't want it then that is okay. No matter the circumstances. No means no.  
> Even if you fail to say no that doesn't mean it is your fault. 
> 
> I hope people can see where I am coming from.  
> Writing about it helps me a lot.  
> Maybe reading about it will help other people.   
> Please remember to be kind!
> 
> I hope everyone has a good week.  
> Thanks for reading!  
> (If you want to talk about it about something, can be anything, you can always send me a message through Tumblr or comment.)  
> Tumblr: jxoxsxsxi


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